《葡萄垂時》——九十年前的重慶少女之生活

漢留兒

山城 的霧還沒散盡，嘉陵江上浮著一層灰藍的水汽，像被誰用濕紗蒙住了眼睛。求精中學的鐘樓下，銅音在石階間滾了幾滾，便跌進梧桐葉堆裏去了。

The mountain city's fog had not yet lifted; a layer of grey-blue vapour floated on the Chialing River as though someone had veiled the eyes with damp gauze. Beneath the clock tower of Ch'iuching Middle School, the bronze notes rolled down the stone steps, stumbled, and fell into the heap of wu-t'ung leaves.


她們坐在宿舍裡，靠窗的角落。窗外是斜坡，坡下幾株黃桷樹，葉子黃得發脆，風一吹，就簌簌地往下掉，像舊信紙撕碎了撒向人間。她們膝上攤著一本燙金邊的《聖經》，書頁泛黃，邊緣卷起，仿佛也偷聽了太多少女的秘密。

They sat in the dormitory, in the corner by the window. Outside the window a slope ran down; below the slope stood several huang-chüeh trees, their leaves yellowed to brittleness. When the wind blew, they fell with a rustling hush—like old letter paper torn and scattered upon the world. Upon their knees lay a gilt-edged Bible; its pages yellowed, its corners curled, as if it too had overheard too many secrets of young girls.


青色的綢袍子裹著纖細的身子，袖子長長的，蓋住了手背，只露出尖尖的指甲——那是趙文儀，開綢緞莊的趙家的幺女。綢袍是軟緞的，走起路來悉悉簌簌地響，像深秋的雨絲落在芭蕉葉上。她生得白，白得像上好的羊脂玉，下巴卻尖尖的，帶著點兒沒長開的稚氣，只有眼珠子是黑的，黑得發亮，骨碌碌轉著，什麼都想裝進去的樣子。

A gown of cyan silk wrapped its slender body, sleeves so long they covered the backs of the hands, leaving only the sharp tips of fingernails exposed—that was Chao Wen-i, the youngest daughter of the Chao family who kept the silk shop. The gown was of soft satin, and when she moved it whispered and rustled like autumn rain falling on banana leaves. She was fair-skinned, fair as the finest mutton-fat jade; only her chin was pointed still, with the unfinished look of youth. Only her eyes were dark—dark and gleaming, darting restlessly as if wanting to take everything in.


林婉婷靠在窗邊，穿一件灰鼠皮的坎肩，坎肩底下是醬紫色的寧綢夾袍。她父親在朝天門碼頭那邊開著兩間鋪子，一間賣鹽，一間賣洋貨，是重慶城裏數得著的殷實人家。她比文儀矮半個頭，又顯得纖弱些，圓臉盤，紅嘴唇，一笑就露出兩顆小虎牙，說話的時候尾音往上飄，飄飄的，軟軟的，像朝天門那邊江面上的霧氣。

Lin Wanting leaned by the window, wearing a sable-trimmed waistcoat over a gown of sauce-purple ning silk. Her father kept two shops down by Ch'aot'ienmen Wharf—one selling salt, one selling foreign goods—and was counted among the solid prosperous families of Chungking. She was half a head shorter than Wen-i, and frailer too; round face, red lips, two small canine teeth showing when she smiled. When she spoke the ends of her words floated upward—floating, soft, like the mist on the river at Ch'aot'ienmen.


“文儀，你過來看。”她把那本燙金邊的《聖經》擺上桌面，語氣裡帶著一絲神秘，書頁泛著黃，卷著邊。文儀挨過去，兩個人擠在一張條凳上，肩膀貼著肩膀，腦袋挨著腦袋，青色的綢子和灰鼠的皮毛蹭在一塊兒，發出窸窸窣窣的輕響。

"Wen-i, come and look." She set the gilt-edged Bible on the table, a hint of mystery in her voice, the pages yellowing, curling at the edges. Wen-i drew close; the two of them squeezed onto the same bench, shoulder touching shoulder, head next to head. Cyan silk and sable fur brushed together, making a faint rustling sound.


窗外的黃桷樹正在落葉，風一吹，就簌簌地往下掉，一片，兩片，三片——飄飄搖搖的，打著旋兒的，像一群倦了的蝴蝶，往地上撲。

Outside the window the huang-chüeh trees were shedding their leaves. When the wind blew, they fell with a rustling hush—one, two, three—wavering, swirling down like a flock of tired butterflies, falling towards the earth.


“昨天經課講的，你聽明白了麼？”婉婷把《聖經》往膝蓋上挪了挪。經課是史密斯小姐教的，一個從美國俄亥俄州來的老小姐，穿著高領嗶嘰長裙，說起中國話來自帶幾分重慶碼頭的調子。她講《創世記》，講過上帝六日造天地，講過亞當的肋骨變成夏娃，又講了該隱和亞伯、亞伯拉罕和以撒，今天講了約瑟被賣到埃及。

"Yesterday's Scripture lesson—did you understand it?" Wanting shifted the Bible on her knees. The lessons were taught by Miss Smith, an old spinster from Ohio in America, who wore high-collared serge dresses and spoke Chinese with something of Chungking's waterfront accent. She taught from Genesis—how God made heaven and earth in six days, how Adam's rib became Eve, then Cain and Abel, Abraham and Isaac; today she had told of Joseph sold into Egypt.


文儀搖搖頭：“半懂不懂，約瑟的故事，像是聽說書。”

Wen-i shook her head: "Half understood, half not. Joseph's story—like listening to a storyteller in the teahouse."


“我也是。”婉婷笑了，露出兩顆小虎牙，“可是後來我自己翻的那幾章，好玩得很哦！猜猜我讀到了啥？”她的眼睛裡藏著笑。她忽然把聖書拿了起來，書頁朝著自己的臉，不讓文儀看到她翻到哪裡了，然後，她念：“求你將我放在你心上如印記，帶在你臂上如戳記；因為愛情如死之堅強……”

"Me too." Wanting smiled, showing her two small canine teeth. "But afterward I turned the pages myself—read some parts, ever so good! Guess what I found?" Her eyes held laughter. Suddenly she lifted the Bible, turning it toward her own face so Wen-i couldn't see where she opened it, and then she read:Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death...


文儀的臉微微紅了，像被窗外的夕陽染過。她壓低聲音說：“這話也寫在聖經裏麼？怪羞人的。”

Wen-i's face flushed faintly, as if touched by the sunset outside the window. She lowered her voice: "Is that written in the Bible too? How embarrassing."


婉婷卻不羞：“你再聽我唸嘞：‘你的頭髮如同山羊群臥在基列山旁’——山羊群臥在山旁，那是什麼樣子？’”

But Wanting was not embarrassed: "Listen again:Thine hair is as a flock of goats that appear from mount Gilead.A flock of goats appearing from mount Gilead—what does that look like?"


文儀歪著頭想了想：“大概是我們春天去靈岩山看到的，遠遠的山坡上，一團一團的，像白雲掉下來落在草地上。”

Wen-i tilted her head, thinking: "Perhaps what we saw spring on Lingyen Mountain—far away on the hillside, clumps of white, like clouds fallen down on the grass."


“還有哦！‘王女啊，你的腳在鞋中何其美好！你的大腿圓潤好像美玉，是巧匠的手做成的。’”她說著，笑盈盈地在趙文儀的腿上捏了一把。

"And more!How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.

She laughed as she said it, and pinched Wen-i's thigh.


文儀驚訝地說：“聖書上也寫這個？在哪裡？”

Wen-i stared: "The Bible says this too? Where?"


婉婷卻把《聖經》合了起來，調皮地說：“不跟你講，你自己找嘛。”

But Wanting closed the book, teasing: "Won't tell you. Find it yourself."


文儀被她逗得心癢癢的，看著這本厚厚的聖書，像貓兒覷著碗裏的魚。話音剛落，一陣風來，一片黃葉貼在了窗玻璃上。

Wen-i itched with curiosity, watching that thick Bible like a cat eyeing fish in a bowl. As she spoke, a gust of wind came, and a yellow leaf pressed itself against the window pane.


正覷著，婉婷噗嗤一笑，又把書翻開來：“好啦好啦，我指給你看——喏，就在這裏。”

While she was watching, Wanting burst out laughing and opened the book again: "All right, all right—I'll show you. There, just here."


她把書打開，往中間又挪了挪，兩人頭挨著頭，烏黑的發絲蹭在一起。窗外的光線漸漸柔和下來，夕陽的光照進窗戶來，碎金子似的落在書頁上。

She opened it, moved it closer to the middle; the two of them put their heads together, black hair mingling. Outside the window the light was softening; the setting sun came through the window, falling on the pages like scattered gold.


“你看這一段，”她指著另一處，指尖在泛黃的紙面上輕輕劃過，“你的肚臍如圓杯，不缺調和的酒；你的腰如一堆麥子，周圍有百合花。”

"Look at this part," she pointed to another place, her fingertip tracing lightly across the yellowed paper. Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies.


“還有這裏，”婉婷又翻過一頁，聲音壓得更低了，像怕被誰聽了去，“‘你的兩乳好像百合花中吃草的一對小鹿，就是母鹿雙生的’——”

"And here," Wanting turned another page, her voice dropping lower, as if afraid someone might hear: Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.


兩人同時住了聲，臉紅紅的，你望望我，我望望你。宿舍裏靜靜的，只有窗外黃桷樹上，偶爾傳來一兩聲鳥叫。

Both fell silent at once, faces reddening, looking at each other. The dormitory was still, only now and then a bird's cry from the huang-chüeh trees outside.


半晌，文儀輕聲說：“原來聖書裏也寫這些。”

After a long moment, Wen-i said softly: "So the Bible writes of these things too."


她的聲音飄飄的，像窗外那片打著旋兒往下落的黃桷葉，忽地就墜進什麽裡頭去了。婉婷還在低頭翻著書頁，可她卻怔怔地望著窗外的天，灰藍的，霧濛濛的，像蒙著一層什麽。

Her voice floated, like those huang-chüeh leaves swirling downward outside the window, suddenly falling into something. Wanting went on turning pages, head bent; but Wen-i gazed blankly at the sky beyond the window—grey-blue, misty, as if veiled in something.


她不禁想起去年的事了。

She could not help remembering last year.


去年這個時候，她還在家裡，住在臨街那座小樓的廂房裡。夏天熱得早，五月的時候她就覺著胸口悶悶的，脹脹的，像有兩顆小核桃在皮下頭悄悄地拱著。她洗澡的時候對著那面模糊的銅鏡看了又看，心裡頭慌慌的，像揣了一窩剛出殼的雛雀。

This time last year, she was still at home, living in the chamber upstairs in the little house facing the street. Summer came early that year; by May she already felt a tightness in her chest, a swelling, as if two small walnuts were pushing secretly beneath the skin. When she bathed she looked again and again at that blurry bronze mirror, her heart fluttering like a nestful of fledgling sparrows.


後來她偷偷問隔壁的秋蘭，秋蘭比她大兩歲，早就發育了。秋蘭壓低了聲音說，你得用布把它們纏起來呀，越緊越好，不然走起路來一顛一顛的，多難為情。她就真的去尋了一條白布，笨手笨腳地往身上纏，纏得緊緊的，氣都喘不過來，胸口那兩團軟肉給勒得生疼。

Later she secretly asked Ch'iu-lan next door. Ch'iu-lan was two years older, already developed. Lowering her voice, Ch'iu-lan said: You must bind them with cloth, as tight as you can; otherwise when you walk they bob up and down—how embarrassing. So she went and found a strip of white cloth, clumsily winding it round herself, binding it tight till she could hardly breathe, the two soft mounds of flesh aching from the pressure.


那天嫂嫂進屋給她送蓮子羹，正好撞見她對著銅鏡子發愁。嫂嫂站在門口愣了一下，忽然就笑了，眼淚花兒笑都出來了，笑完了走過來，輕輕拍她的臉說：“傻女子喲，這是老天爺賜給女人的美，你藏它做啥子嘛？要昂起頭來挺起胸，曉得不？”

That day her sister-in-law came in with some lotus-seed soup and found her worrying before the bronze mirror. She stood at the doorway a moment, startled; then suddenly she laughed, tears of laughter starting in her eyes. When her laughter subsided she came over and gently patted Wen-i's cheek, saying: "Silly girl, this is the beauty Heaven bestows on women—why would you hide it? Lift your head, hold it high, do you understand?"


嫂嫂的聲音軟軟的，帶著重慶女人特有的那種尾音，往上飄，飄得她心裡頭癢癢的，又有點兒酸酸的。她低著頭，不說話，只覺得臉上燙燙的，像剛從灶膛裡掏出來的炭。

Her sister-in-law's voice was soft, with that special Chungking way of trailing upward at the end; it floated, making Wen-i's heart tingle—and ache a little too. She lowered her head, said nothing; only felt her cheeks burning, like charcoal just drawn from the stove.


可那份脹脹的感覺還是時不時地來。有時候是夜裡，躺在床上，胸口脹得難受，像有什麽東西在裏頭長著，撐著，要把皮兒都撐破了似的。她把手輕輕地按在上頭，不敢用力，只覺得那兩團軟軟的肉熱乎乎的，像兩隻剛出窩的小兔子，蜷在那兒，輕輕地跳。

But that swelling feeling still came, now and then. Sometimes at night, lying in bed, her chest ached with it—as if something inside were growing, stretching, about to burst through the skin. She pressed her hand lightly upon it, not daring to exert force; only felt the two soft mounds warm, like two newborn rabbits curled there, beating softly.


走在街上，她總覺得有人在看她。那些目光像螞蟻似的，從她臉上慢慢爬到胸口，爬得她渾身不自在。她下意識地含胸，恨不得把整個人都藏到青布袍子裡頭去。可嫂嫂的話又在她耳朵邊響起來——“要昂起頭來挺起胸”，她就又試著把背脊伸直，可伸直了又覺得那些目光更重了，壓得她喘不過氣來。

Walking in the street, she always felt someone watching her. Those looks were like ants, creeping slowly from her face down to her chest—creeping till she felt utterly uncomfortable. Instinctively she hunched forward, wishing she could hide her whole self inside that blue cloth gown. But her sister-in-law's words rang again in her ears—"Lift your head, hold it high"—and she would try to straighten her spine; yet straightening, she felt those looks grow heavier, pressing till she could scarcely breathe.


“文儀？文儀！”

"Wen-i? Wen-i!"


婉婷的聲音把她從那灰藍的霧裡頭拽了回來。她眨了眨眼，看見婉婷正歪著腦袋看她，眼裡頭亮晶晶的，帶著點兒調皮的笑。

Wanting's voice pulled her back from that grey-blue mist. She blinked, and saw Wanting watching her with head tilted, eyes bright, holding that teasing smile.


“你又在發呆！”婉婷伸手在她面前晃了晃，“想啥子嘛，臉這樣紅？”

"Daydreaming again!" Wanting waved a hand before her face. "What were you thinking—face so red?"


文儀下意識地摸了摸自己的臉，燙燙的。她慌忙低下頭，把散下來的碎髮別到耳後，手指尖還在微微地抖。

Wen-i touched her cheek without thinking—burning. She dropped her head quickly, tucking loose strands behind her ears, her fingertips trembling faintly.


“沒、沒想啥子。”

"Nothing—nothing at all."


窗外的夕陽正一點一點地往下沉，暖融融的餘暉從黃桷樹的縫隙裡漏進來，落在她那件青色的綢袍上，落在胸口那兩團被袍子遮著的地方。她忽然覺得那兩團軟肉又脹了起來，熱熱的，癢癢的，像有兩隻小鹿在裏頭蹦著，要從百合花叢裡頭跳出來似的。

Outside, the setting sun was sinking moment by moment; warm remaining light filtered through the huang-chüeh trees, falling on her gown of cyan silk, falling on the place where the gown covered her breasts. Suddenly she felt those two soft mounds swell again—warm, tingling—as if two young roes were leaping inside, about to spring out from among the lilies.


“你笑什麼？你臉比我還紅！”林婉婷反手捏她胳膊，“是不是想起誰了？那天在禮堂後門——”

"What are you smiling at? Your face is redder than mine!" Lin Wanting pinched her arm. "Thinking of someone? That day behind the chapel door——"


“不許說！”趙文儀急了，聲音卻軟得像棉花糖。可那畫面已浮上來：陳硯白——那個學校裡出了名的才子，抱著一摞《新月》雜誌匆匆轉角，她正低頭背英文詩，兩人撞個滿懷。他手裡的書散了一地，而他的前臂——天啊——竟不偏不倚，撞在她胸前那處柔軟上。

"Don't say it!" Chao Wen-i's voice was urgent, yet soft as spun sugar. But the picture had already risen: Ch'en Yen-pai—the school's celebrated scholar—carrying a stack of Hsin Yueh magazines, turning the corner in haste, just as she walked head down memorising an English poem. They collided. His books scattered everywhere, and his forearm—heavens—struck full upon that soft place on her chest.


那一瞬間，她整個人像被雷劈中似的，腦子裡轟的一聲，什麼都空了。那隻手臂隔著薄薄的青綢袍子壓過來，硬硬的，熱熱的，帶著少年人骨骼的力道，把她那團剛發育不久的軟肉撞得往裡頭一陷，又彈回來。一股說不清的酥麻從那兒炸開，順著血脈往四肢竄，竄得她腳趾頭都蜷了起來。她踉蹌著往後退，胸口那處卻像被烙鐵燙過似的，熱乎乎的，久久散不去。他愣住，臉霎時漲成朱砂色，嘴唇哆嗦著，連“對不起”都說不成句，只慌亂拾書，手指抖得像風裡的蘆葦。

That instant, she felt as if struck by lightning; her mind roared and emptied of everything. That arm pressed through the thin cyan silk gown—hard, warm, with the bony strength of youth—pushing that newly swollen softness inward, then springing back. An indescribable tingling exploded from that place, rushing through her blood to every limb, rushing till her toes curled. She stumbled backward, but that spot on her chest burned as if branded, hot for a long time after. He stood frozen, his face suddenly flooded crimson; his lips trembled, unable even to form an apology, only scrambling for his books with fingers shaking like reeds in the wind.


而她呢——她站在那兒，像根木樁子似的，動也動不了。胸口那處又熱又脹，心跳得快要從嗓子眼蹦出來。她想伸手去摸一摸那被撞著的地方，又不敢，只覺得那團軟肉隔著綢袍子突突地跳，像懷裡揣了隻受驚的麻雀。後來那地方痛了好幾天，輕輕碰一下就酸酸脹脹的，可她夜裡躺著的時候，卻忍不住把手按在上頭，一遍遍地回想那隻手臂壓過來的感覺——硬硬的，熱熱的，帶著少年人的力道。想著想著，臉上就燒起來，把整張臉埋進枕頭裡，悶得喘不過氣。

And she—she stood there like a wooden post, unable to move. That place on her chest burned and swelled; her heart pounded as if it would leap from her throat. She wanted to touch the place where he had struck her, but dared not; only felt that soft mound pulsing through the silk gown like a frightened sparrow held against her breast. Later it ached for days—the slightest touch brought a dull sweet pain—yet lying in bed at night, she could not help pressing her hand upon it, again and again recalling the feel of that arm pressing—hard, warm, with the strength of youth. Thinking of it, her face would burn, and she would bury it in her pillow till she could scarcely breathe.


“他那天穿的是件藏青色的長衫，對不對？”林婉婷促狹地眨眨眼，“領口微微敞著，露出一截白竹布的襯衣裡子，袖口捲起半寸，手腕子細細的，骨節分明——可眼睛亮得像星子落進墨池。每次下午課上完，他準在操場東邊那棵樹底下唸書。膝上攤著本藍布封面的書，偶爾抬起頭來，望著鐘樓發呆，也不知道在想些什麼。你說，他那天撞了你……”

"He wore a gown of navy blue that day, didn't he?" Lin Wanting winked mischievously. "Collar slightly open, showing a strip of white bamboo-cloth lining; sleeves rolled up half an inch, wrists slender, knuckles fine—but eyes bright as stars fallen in an inkwell. Every day after afternoon classes, he'd be under that tree east of the playground, reading. A blue-covered book on his knee; sometimes he'd look up and gaze at the clock tower, dreaming—who knows of what? Tell me, that day he bumped into you——"


“你再扯把子！”趙文儀威脅，做出要打她的手勢，卻忍不住笑，又趕緊咬住下唇。

"Stop your teasing!" Chao Wen-i threatened, making as if to strike her—yet could not help smiling, and quickly bit her lip.


“嘻嘻，你捨不得打我的，”林婉婷湊近，氣息拂過她耳垂，“你不是也想看嘛——來來來，正好讓你也學學，上帝也寫情話，還是熱烘烘的情話！

"Teasing? You wouldn't hit me," Lin Wanting leaned closer, her breath brushing Wen-i's earlobe. "You want to know too, don't you? Come—let's learn together. God writes love songs too—hot, breathing love songs!"


兩人笑作一團，又急忙噤聲，只肩膀輕輕撞著，像兩隻偷喝了蜜的小雀。陽光從彩繪玻璃斜切進來，在書頁上投下一塊紫一塊金的光斑，恰好蓋住那句“葡萄累累下垂”，仿佛連光都害羞了。

They collapsed in giggles, then hushed each other quickly; only their shoulders touched lightly, like two little birds stealing honey. Sunlight slanted through the painted glass, throwing patches of purple and gold upon the page—falling just upon those words: the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. As if even the light grew shy.


夜深了。

Night deepened.


趙文儀躺在硬板床上，聽見林婉婷翻身的窸窣。她閉著眼，卻見那人站在棕櫚樹下——不是校園裏那幾株矮小的觀賞樹，而是熱帶雨林裏那種高聳入雲的巨木。他仰頭望著樹冠，忽然回頭對她笑：“文儀，我替你摘。”

Chao Wen-i lay on her narrow bed, hearing Lin Wanting's faint rustle as she turned. She closed her eyes, yet saw him standing beneath a palm tree—not the stunted ornamental trees on campus, but those towering giants of the tropical forest. He gazed up at the crown, then turned suddenly and smiled at her: "Wen-i, I'll pick them for you."


她想喊“別爬”，可喉嚨發緊。只見他攀上去，身影隱入濃綠，片刻後，拋下一串沉甸甸的葡萄，紫得發黑，汁水欲滴。她伸手去接，果子卻化作溫熱的雨，落在鎖骨窩裏，順著胸口滑下去……

She tried to call "Don't climb"—but her throat tightened. She watched him ascend, his figure swallowed by dense green; a moment later he tossed down a heavy cluster of grapes, purple-black, dripping with juice. She reached to catch them, but the fruit dissolved into warm rain, falling on her collarbone, sliding down her breast...


林婉婷夢見自己站在教堂彩窗前，光穿過她薄薄的睡衣，照出胸前兩團朦朧的影。有人在背後輕誦：“Thou hast ravished my heart…” 她回頭，卻只見空蕩的走廊，唯有風卷著《新月》雜誌的殘頁，嘩啦啦飛向江面。

Lin Wanting dreamed she stood before the chapel's painted window; light passing through her thin nightgown showed two faint shadows on her chest. Behind her, someone chanted softly: Thou hast ravished my heart... She turned—but saw only the empty corridor, wind carrying torn pages of Hsin Yueh fluttering toward the river.


翌日清晨，兩人在盥洗室相遇。

Next morning, they met in the washroom.


她們對視一眼，忽然齊齊低頭，用冷水拍臉。水珠順著下巴滴落，像未成熟的青葡萄，酸澀又清甜。

They looked at each other—then suddenly both lowered their heads, splashing cold water on their faces. Droplets fell from their chins like unripe green grapes, tart and sweet.


而窗外，山城的霧終於散了。嘉陵江閃著碎銀，仿佛昨夜所有羞怯的夢，都被江水悄悄卷走，送往下游某個無人知曉的春天。

Outside, the mountain city's fog had finally lifted. The Chialing River glittered with scattered silver, as if all last night's shy dreams had been quietly swept away by the current, carried downstream to some spring known to no one.